little love log

Remember when you sat on one side of him and the other side was her
him lying on the floor in her house off 24th
and his pain his pain his pain abdominal you wanted to absorb it all
and then the hospital watching waiting waiting waiting until home sleep.

Little love monitor. Photo by Jair Lázaro.

These recent times lying with him, a different matter.
All this starting over. Starting over. Begin again.
Go into this time completely, head forward, eyes up, breathing.
See the world. Start again. Remember your world is different. Your story different.
You don't have to compare yourself with anyone else.
You don't have to rush. 
Everything in good patient time and space.

Remember when you visited him another time, same hospital
different organ removed from insides.
First gall bladder, next burst appendix.

Remember when you decided you loved him 
that first time you saw him on the other side of the bar
and he limped from basketball.

Remember when you decided to tell him in coded ways
like responding in turn when he said he loved you like a sister
except you meant it in a different way
like giving him a dumb money bank with vintage jokes 
or your Billy Joel sheet music anthology
or your used eyeglasses.

Homeless. Photo by Joshua Newton.

​​Remember that first time you told him love in candid response 
and when you sent an email articulating love at length the next night
and two versions of a poem you wrote him five years before that
and you didn't regret but you gulped
and how you needed time room air to let that all this settle and evolve
not knowing what this is or will be
and learning to let go of control and expectation 
​for healthy self-care.