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I found a big collie like a wolf -- he was everything to me. I asked for him for years. I moved. I moved. I moved. I fell out of trees I climbed.  I fell out of trees I climbed. Photo by Tushar Escape on Unsplash.
Men took advantage of me and some took me across the country. I hurt people and I didn't mean it but that's how self-destruction goes. There was a lot of cat hair. I looked at stars. Stars looked at me. My dad died. My dad's mom was hard to deal with but I think that's because I had to do her laundry and fold her large silk panties and she said I had a nose like a pig. It's time I got over that. I miss the relationship we never had. Eating disorder treatment center. And all the disorder before, after that. Running away with a con man sociopath. Writing saved my life. A high school English teacher said my story was filth, so I didn't writ another until ten years passed. I turned to playwriting and prop mastery. I made lots of mistakes. I fell in love with everyone. One for four years. We played house. Then it was too much. Then I found the one I'd loved for years and years.
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I am the slinking panther falling down rock into prey, mouth baring I am the gypsy moth drawn to light in darkness I am the surface of pond skimming under skippers Rushing, opening, still I was the avalanche I am the campfire I will be constellations I see with yellow eyes that cloud over brick I wash through land in algae water-- Over rocks, make them crisp smooth brilliant A traveler A wanderer A warrior A monk A planet My growl heard over a hundred countrysides My ears open to sunset showers My hands lifting daddy long legs to safe grass Hear the sandpipers Catch a salmon Find ocean bottom That place less explored than solar system What am I missing? Where am I? Where am I now? What am I? Where am I now? Who? This chameleon shape shifter Who do you see in this mirror Who do you want to see in this empty boat Yourself? A friend? A victim? Teacher? Student? I am the space between ( )  Photo by Himesh Kumar Behera on Unsplash. shadow in the glass moon howling, the expanse quiet proud mountain peaks reach snow tops to grey sky, drowning I poke them from the boat don't forget sage and don't forget me, please white clouds blinding photo prints I miss your stellar mind and heart Where is California? When are you here? How far is sky? How empty is dirt? the sea ate everything else globe overwhelmed by rocky blue where no earth is visible from sky white expanse, meeting flood us survivors poor fruit, fallen away us discarded collectors roam and savaging scavenging since birth my parents never saw land but their parents who I never met but I heard stories when everything was dry, dry dry then flashes flooding washing over us the us before and now the us now, our bodies changing, Mom says our fingers webbing  Photo by Rick Vos on Unsplash. I am the sandpiper that skips over stones on our walk I squawk like you talk and kick steps hip hop I want to slow inside, steady willow dripping down To fill with seeds, soften To find weight, sink Prize space/time My nature drowns in much muchness To root down, fall into earth Watch humans rush To find now, be, notice No speeding through air clouds Heart like ocean, brain like universe Push down, pull up, legs grip, still wavering stalks  Photo by Ray Hennessy on Unsplash. There at my throat back, venus fly trap sprouts. Noticed when I woke to teeth grinding, my night ritual. But this time, a sour bug taste instead of iron grit. A buzzing glimmer, then My mouth zapped shut inside my mouth. Teeth under teeth. I pressed inside at long needles stabbing my finger, clamping down. Stinging blood on my prints, jerking away. Afraid of the mirror but too curious to avoid. A shower to clear head, wash face, keep jaw closed. Wiped fog off glass, plucked brows and brushed hair, But to clean teeth, I had to open. And inside, this monster plant glaring whites open for a brush too. I snapped my clamp back shut, resigned to silent halitosis.  Photo by Jeffery Wong on Unsplash. |
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$1, $10, $100, whatevs :) Heidi KraayProcess notes on a work in progress (me). This mostly contains raw rough content pulled out of practice notebooks. Occasional posts also invite you into the way I work, with intermittent notes on the hows and whys on the whats I make. Less often you may also find prompts and processes I've brought to workshops, as well as surveys that help me gather material for projects. Similar earlier posts from years ago can be found on: Archives
January 2025
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