Where I Am Here/Now

Right now, I am obsessed with self-care, sustainability and balance. Vulnerability. Connection — with memory, space, time, you. I am cultivating ways of becoming more present and aware - by taking more time in action, being without doing, simplifying, letting go.

I’m obsessed with being more myself, unapologetically. My internal critic keeps trying to tell me that I am not important and that nobody cares. It can be hard to shut up that voice but I know the louder it gets as I continue, the more on track I’m getting.

I’m inspired by the givers. People who take time to listen and connect even though they are busy and have a lot going on with their own lives. People who do a lot of good work and then make time to bring in food to class or a meeting, who know the importance of joyful conversations. I’m inspired by the connecters, the be-ers, the learners who don’t try to achieve or pursue ladder-climbing but are interested in making a difference in the world at large.

These attitudes tune me into my observations. They slow me down. They make me look at my work from the outside, with more kindness and grace. I see more value in my own weaknesses and humanity. I see more value in sitting, in waiting. I’m an obsessive, intense person, yes, but I’m learning the value of calm presence.

As a maker, I want to work on finishing. On solidifying the final 5% of something I’ve made. I want to work on speaking a simple story easily, looking people in the eye, listening with full attention and being with people without trying to do anything extra. On speaking with clarity. I want to bring a sense of authority into each moment. I want to trust myself enough that I can make big statements without apologizing and backpedaling.

I’m making strides into these goals, into these soft skills. These are the hardest things for me—how I enter the work, the way I approach it and with what energy and capability. I enjoy that difficulty.

Right now my biggest obstacle is still my own fear and nervousness, but I am coming through it. I am breaking up with panic. I want to let myself go big, to articulate with exactitude what I am really thinking and feeling. Guilt, shame and self-doubt get in the way. My habit feeling is that I do not deserve to speak. So now I go deeply into daily affirmations. I take more time. I sit with these habit feelings, I observe them, I notice them. I don’t romanticize them, I let them go. I learn get out of my own way.

I will continue bringing stillness into my days. I’ll hold onto the things I’m doing and weigh them, one by one. Does this bring me joy? Does this? What is its purpose? I will strip down the things that get me in my way. I’ll keep honing and listening to what I want to do. I will go deeply down those few paths. I will take more time. With more patience.